How to Get What You Want
- a fun guide to making life fulfill your dreams. And it works!
Know how to control the weather? How to disguise your ignorance? How to recognize a con man? It's all here.
Martin Jensen is the universal man. His first humorous but canny book - How to Keep Fit Without Exercise has already been downloaded by a horde of eBook buffs. And his second, How to Get What you Want - is in its second, expanded edition.And everything suggested works!
You'll learn how to see without your specs, how to change traffic lights to green, how to dislodge rusted in screws and even how to amaze small children by moving both eyes independently. Here is instruction on sentence construction, drying between the toes, bamboozling pretentious art critics and more.But you only learn how to get what you want half way through the book.
This is an amusing read. But, beneath the humour, lurks sense. A happy way to clue yourself in and great value at just $1.99!
'Jensen knows it all . And, with the help of this book, you can be a
know-all, too!'
COMMISSIONING EDITOR, BUZZWORD BOOKS
A Buzzword eBook first release. $1.99. Use our secure Paypal shopping cart here:
Read some items the book covers here:
Martin Jensen's latest 'How
to' tackles just about any subject you can think of. And the amazing thing
is, it's good and workable advice. Check some of the entries:
How to instantly stop hiccups
How to avoid midnight gastric reflux
How
to stop someone choking
How to enjoy being pestered by flies
How not
to be pestered by flies on bushwalks.
How to change traffic lights to
green.
How to produce an airport shuttle bus
How to control the
weather
How to locate supermarket items
How to get someone to phone
you
How to secure a lunch date
How not to be noticed
How to attract
attention
How to make men unexpectedly undress you
How to see without
your glasses
How to recognize a con man
How to plan your life
successfully
How not to wreck a good relationship
How to save time and
simplify your life
How to avoid salmonella
How to maintain a car and
avoid breakdowns
How to avoid exercise without guilt
How to spot and
survive a Tsunami
How to laugh at death
How to loosen rusted-in screws
How to disguise your ignorance
How to behave
How to fluster art
critics
How to dry effectively between your toes
How to invest
How
to slim
How to burn more calories sitting down.
How to invigorate your
mind
How to be objectively moral
How to get what you want
How not
to drown
How to escape from a sinking car
How to avoid being run over
How to avoid dogs biting off your fingers
How to avoid cutting a finger
in the kitchen
How to saw
How to cut a tree branch
How to drill
How to sharpen knives
How to sharpen a chisel
How to use an adjustable
wrench
How to hammer a nail
How to climb out of a mineshaft or well
How to get rid of leeches
How to get something out of your eye
How not
to be carried out to sea
How to duck a bullet
How to handle blisters
How to carry someone
How to disable an attacker
How to assume the tuck
position, if assaulted
How to cope with frostbite
How to treat burns
How to help a car accident victim
How to survive an earthquake
How to
help someone who's hyperventilating
How to help someone who is
hypotensive or faints
How to dowse
How to remove a tick
How to find
north with your watch
How to start a fire
How to survive a bushfire
How to survive the bitch goddess of life
How to be happy
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Martin Jensen is that rare creature - a practical humourist. Everything he writes makes sense. He has sold many articles, a screenplay and also written successfully for the theatre. His interest is comedy and the human bazaar. His two books on this site are How to Keep Fit Without Exercise and How to Get What You Want.REVIEW OF HOW TO KEEP FIT WITHOUT EXERCISE:
'Wry, amusing, informed - and a huge relief to read.'
COMMISSIONING EDITOR, BUZZWORD BOOKS
Martin Jensen explains Murphy's Reverse Law:
There are many self-evident laws. For
instance, Etorre's Supermarket Observation: 'The other line moves faster.'
And Jenning's Corollary: 'The chance of bread falling jam side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.'And although Murphy's Law, 'If anything can go wrong, it will', is the most famous, his Reverse Law is even more diabolical. This states: 'If anything goes right, it does it when it cocks up everything.'
For instance, I m driving somewhere and need the pause at the next set of red lights to tweak the GPS or jot down something I ve remembered. And what happens? Green lights for blocks. Guaranteed.
Or I m standing outside the airport terminal waiting for the shuttle to take me to the long-term car park. I know I ll be there till I grow roots, so light up a fag. And the bus immediately rockets around the bend with NO SMOKING signs plastered all over it.
I can t find a taxi on the main road. So I walk around the corner to check the side road and one cruises by on the main road. I go back to the main road and, like quantum decoherence, another flashes by on the side road.
I really
want someone to phone me. So, the moment I go to the toilet or take a
shower, they do. I get the phone dripping all over the carpet, or with my
pants around my ankles, just as they ring off.Masochists can use this law to attract positive events. For instance, if your garden's parched and there are water restrictions, simply invite a major business client to a home barbecue. And you'll cop a thunderstorm three minutes before everyone arrives.
Need company or attention? Easy. Take a private moment to pick your nose or fart. Someone's sure to walk into the room the moment you do it.
Detest extravagant weddings? Once your wife's ordered the expensive new dress, got the hairdo, nail job, facial and you've bought the presents, plane tickets, booked the hotel... the happy couple will call it off.
Note, in this context, Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: 'Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.'
Well, must finish this. She was going to call tonight and confirm that it's dinner at her place. But the call hasn't come. So, to make sure she rings, I'll have to look forward sincerely to an indulgent meal by myself, crack an extravagant bottle of red and half cook an expensive steak.
Which reminds me of O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law. 'Murphy was an optimist.'
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